Marriage

 -Buhay may-asawa-

By: Martha Cecelia (My fave fil romance autahor) 

Ang buhay may-asawa ay hindi madali. It is a lifetime of knowing each other. Hindi natatapos sa pagpapakasal ang pagkikilala ninyong mag-asawa. You will be amazed to know all the "hindi magagandang bagay" na natutuklasan ninyo sa inyo-inyong mga asawa. Just as much as mayroon din kayong mga bagay na noon din lang niya nalaman.

Girls, hindi naman ibinigay sa isang tao ang lahat ng magagandang katangian. My husband isn't that all perfect. He has his moments, all right. Pero may mga kapintasan din. You wouldn't want to know his kapintasan. I posted some moments dahil gusto kong huwag kayong mainip habang ginagawa ko ang aking nobela. And also to let you know na karamihan sa aking mga eksena sa aking kuwento ay galing sa totoong buhay naming mag-irog. :)

What I can say, sikapin ninyong hanapin ang magagandang katangian ng inyo-inyong asawa, and promise, you'll realize how lucky you are. Don't focus on the negative things. Hanapin ninyo ang mga nakapagpapatibay na ugali at linangin iyon.

Ako, pinupuri ko ang husband ko sa mga mumunting bagay na naa-accomplish niya. That's wanting to please him in a way I know how. Pinalalakas kung saan siya mahina. Tulad iyan ng pagsuhay sa mabubuway na haligi sa paghahanda sa darating na bagyo.

We don't quarrel now as much as we did some ffew years back. Nalampasan na namin ang bagay na iyan. And mind you, hindi biro ang mga pag-aaway namin. Kulang na lang magsakitan sa isa't isa. But my husband isn't the kind who hurt women. Almost everyday iyon. Parang hopeless na kami sa aking palagay. Kulang na lang talaga mag-pack up siya ng gamit at umalis ng bahay.

Pero hindi ako ang uring naghahamon ng hiwalay kada away. Hindi rin siya ang uring nagbabantang aalis kapag kainitan ng alitan. Ako kasi, kapag sinabi kong "umalis ka na," titiyakin kong totoo iyon. Wala nang makapagbabago doon. Kaya minsan ko lang sasabihin iyon.
At one time, nag-away lang kami ng sinundang gabi at pumasok siya sa trabaho na halos hindi kami nagkikibuan. Pag-alis niya, umiyak ako nang umiyak. Naupo at nagmuni-muni. Sabi ko sa sarili ko: "Where have all the love gone? Bakit kami laging ganito? Saan ako mali? Nasaan iyong masasayang sandali? Nasaan ang mga pangarap? Paano ito matitigil?"
Pagkatapos ay sinimulan kong isipin.... hindi ang masasamang salitang binitiwan namin sa isa't isa... hindi ang maraming kapintasan niya o ng kapintasan ko.
Bagkus, inilagay ko sa isip ko ang lahat ng magagandang bagay na ginawa niya sa akin bago ang lagi naming pag-aaway; inisip ko ang mga matatamis na salitang sinasabi niya sa akin; lahat ng mga bagay na dahilan kung bakit ko siya minahal. Then my anger would melt, like ice cream under the sun.
Hindi ko sinasabi na kapag ginawa ninyo iyan ay matatapos na lahat ng suliraning darating sa inyo at mahihinto na ang pag-aaway ninyo. At least, maaari mo na ngayong pakitunguhan ang mga susunod pang problema.
And please, if there's one thing I don't do, iyong isiping ang husband ko LANG ang may diperensiya. There are always two sides of a coin. Hindi mo lang nakikita ang mukha ng barya sa bahagi mo dahil sa kabilang mukha ka nakatingin.
Another thing that you shouldn't do---going to relatives and friends para idaing ang suliranin mo sa asawa mo. They maybe give you a piece of a well-meaning advice, but what they heard are all from your sides. We tend to do that. Because, unwittingly, we wanted kakampi.
Ang problema ninyong mag-asawa ay inyo lang dapat. Kayo lang dapat ang mag-usap. Kayo lang kasi naman ang nakakaalam ng puno't dulo at natitiyak kong wala kayong ipagsisinungaling sa isa't isa. Unlike kong sasabihin ninyo sa ibang tao, mayroon at mayroon kayong hindi sasabihin.
And please, ang pagsasamahan ay hindi paligsahan kung sino ang higit na may ibinibigay at nagmamahal. Ang pag-ibig ng dalawang tao ay lagi ng hindi pareho ang intensidad. One is more and the other is lesser. Nakakatakot iyon kung pareho kayo ng intensidad ng pag-ibig sa isa't isa. Chances are, you wouldn't be able to see beyond the super emotion.
Hindi rin paligsahan kung sino ang may mali ay siyang maunang humingi ng paumanhin. To say you are sorry, will not choke you. Kahit na ba sa palagay mo ay ang asawa mo ang may kasalanan. For all you know, he is thinking the way you are.
At sana, huwag ninyong hanapin sa asawa ninyo ang mga bagay na nakikita ninyo sa ibang tao. For all you know, wala naman sa asawa ng iba ang ilang katangian ng inyong mga asawa at hindi n'yo lang nakikita dahil sa ibang tao kayo nakatingin.

 

 

Why we fall out of love

By Laura Schaefer

 “When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, that’s amore!” sang Dean Martin. We all know the delicious feeling of new love, but what about the flip side? Love doesn’t always last, and its retreat can leave us bewildered, confused or downright depressed.

Even if you were raised on a plentiful diet of fairy tales, you know that “till death do us part” can be a rare thing. Even staying with someone forever is no guarantee of experiencing lasting love. But why do people really fall out of love? Is there anything we can do to make love stay? Do some of us give up too easily? To understand the phenomenon of love’s end, we asked the experts’ opinions on the subject. Here are the top three reasons they shared with us:

1. A distancing “Wave” can topple a good thing if you let it. Ken Page, psychotherapist and author of the Finding Love blog for Psychology Today and founder of the Deeper Dating website, has identified a phenomenon that can destroy new love: “The ‘Wave’ occurs when we unconsciously push a caring and available person away by inwardly diminishing his or her worth.” Think about how Carrie Bradshaw behaved when she first started dating Aidan Shaw: Aidan was “too available” and Carrie freaked because she wasn’t used to being with someone so open.

  “When someone is available and decent,” Page explains, “something inside us knows [this person] can get to our nest, our soul — the place where we care the most and can be hurt the most. And our unconscious gets panicked.” If you find yourself breaking up with someone awesome for no good reason, check yourself; you might be acting out of fear. After all, real love is a big deal. It involves a leap of faith, and that can be a scary thing. Those who give in to the Wave fall out of love before they even give themselves a chance to fall properly in love, and that’s kind of sad. 

 

 2. Unwillingness to discuss relationship problems. OK, let’s say you’ve taken that leap and you’re in a long-term, committed relationship. Good for you! Now, don’t forget to communicate with your partner regularly. Guy Winch, Ph.D., author of The Squeaky Wheel: Complaining the Right Way to Get Results, Improve Your Relationships and Enhance Self-Esteem, says that people fall out of love because they don’t talk through their relationship peeves with each other: “Research shows that couples who are able to voice complaints well and discuss them productively have greater marital satisfaction and much lower divorce rates than couples who are unable to do so.” If you’re in a newer relationship, iron out the kinks early on to keep love alive over the long haul. “It is much easier to address issues earlier in a relationship than later, just as it is much harder to mold cement once it has dried and hardened,” explains Winch. 

The key word here, however, is “productively.” It usually doesn’t help to fight and blame your partner for all of the relationship’s problems. Dr. Fran Praver, author of The New Science of Love: How Understanding Your Brain’s Wiring Can Help Rekindle Your Relationship, says that “when couples play the blame game, they wage a war of being right where both parties lose. It may seem like a strong personality to insist on being right, but in fact ‘rightness’ is born out of rigidity and weakness, not strength.” Couples fall out of love when they can’t find a way to make the partnership good for both people involved. Creativity and open minds are the stuff of lasting love; silence and blaming, though? Not so much.  

 

3. People change or get bored with each other. April Masini, the relationship expert behind AskApril.com and author of Romantic Date Ideas, says: “Over time, people can change — or more often, they become who they really are. Someone who loved his steady business career may suddenly realize he always wanted to be a stand-up comedian and throw caution to the wind to chase his dreams.” People evolve; circumstances change — and sometimes, relationships can’t be sustained as a result. But if you really know your partner down to the core, the changes won’t be as shocking. “The kind of change that leads to love lost is always about a buried desire to be someone that’s repressed inside,” continues Masini. “It’s important to really know your partner to avoid this lost-love syndrome.” In other words, don’t neglect someone you care about. You cannot get to know a person thoroughly right away — rather, it’s a lifelong journey. There’s a whole universe inside the person you fell for, and if you don’t check in with that individual on a regular basis, you could wake up one day hearing this: “I’m unhappy. I’m moving to another country to start my life over fresh, and you’re not invited.” 

If you find yourself perusing faraway rental homes and thinking, “He’s changed!” or “I’m just so bored with her,” think about holding on and digging a little deeper first. “At a certain point in a relationship, according to Imago Couples Therapy,” says Page, “each partner feels that the thing they most need from their partner is the very thing that their partner can’t give. At that point, many people feel that the relationship has run its course and they leave. The reality, however, is much different. This can be the beginning phase of an entirely new level of intimacy, if they each decide to learn to grow and try to give that partner what [he or she needs most].” 

Then again, love doesn’t necessarily have to last decades (or a lifetime) to matter. Romantic relationships can also evolve into dear friendships — and that’s perfectly fine. Dr. Lissa Coffey, author of the book, Closure and the Law of Relationship: Endings as New Beginnings, agrees. “We may come together for a certain period of time to help each other learn and grow, and when that has been accomplished, we’ve gotten everything we were meant to get out of the relationship. Then it changes,” Coffey explains. “It doesn’t have to end; it’s just redefined.”

Laura Schaefer is the author of The Secret Ingredient and Planet Explorers Chicago.